I have made it a habit to push people away. In the past I didn’t know why I did it but I know now why. I am scared of being hurt when I have been hurt so many times. I am scared of being judged when I have been bullied my whole life and the names and the negativity still remain in my head. I am overbearingly nervous to the point where i become anxiouse. I act awkward and weird ‘cause i know people will get uncomfortable by it so they don’t want to be put in the situation again so we will never go past being just acquaintances. I know what kind of person I am so why can’t i be myself around people especially the guys i usually like? I always tell myself to be me and stop overthinking but when the time comes I can never bring myself to do it I resort to old ways. Never will I grasp the oppurtunity of a new friendship because I am scared. I push them away so I won’t have to feel scared.
I never realized before, but it’s true. If I wasn’t ashamed of aspects of myself I wouldn’t hide from people so much. I’m a different person entirely in front of people I already know accept me. I’m such a closed uninteresting blank in front of strangers who could be potential friends if I could just open up a little.
Everyone keeps telling me life will get better
It will get better
Just got to wait, it will get better
I know you hurt, but it will get better
Well, hell I have been waiting and it hasn’t gotten any better.
Will I ever get better?